Ari Drucker’s new book, Do As I Say, Not Who I Did, isn’t subtle, subtle, or metaphorical, it’s exactly the sex education college students need.
The aptly named title sets the tone for a playful educational guide to connections and relationships in college, especially as they relate to those who identify as women. Drucker is an expert in the field of sex and relationships. Her candid personal experience drives the book, based on facts from and the perspectives of about 40 real college students.
“Do As I Say, Not Who I Did” doesn’t take itself too seriously, but it recognizes the importance of its subject matter with urgency and assertiveness. For example, “It’s a little ironic that the most important words about healthy sex are the least sexy words that begrudgingly sign your right to uncomfortable medical procedures.” It identifies sexual myths and harmful beliefs often held by young women with open-minded humor.[I]Instead of throwing down the twin extra-long sheets and running out of his dorm, I stayed and listened to him explain why it was my fault he wasn’t getting an erection.
Given the book’s goal of teaching women to teach them the oppressive sexual systems instilled by patriarchal norms, Drucker rode the line of unrestrained self-blame and unrestrained self-compassion. Success is very important. “Lauren told me that she has always been taught to be a good hostess. No one has the right to make you feel that you are not or obliged to.Your body is not the cocktail party and you are not the hostess.” It also draws attention to the generous implied influence of women’s agency that one discovers for oneself while on a college campus. “I wanted to be attractive above all else. I didn’t care about having my voice heard or having my needs met.”
Perhaps one of the most sobering and arguably educational aspects of the book is the research Drucker cites from experts in the fields of sex, sexual assault, and relationship health. “While 21% of women experience sexual pain during intercourse, pain is still considered the default form of straight sex by 1 in 5 women.” The book intersperses her thoughtful commentary with quotes from conversations with sexual violence research leaders, sex experts and others. Drucker’s narrative voice deconstructs harsh statistics and offers a realistic and holistic view of sexual activity without being terrifying. “Ultimately, by deconstructing the tapestry of facts and opinions that make up your values, you may be able to rewrite them into a set of actions that feel authentic to you.”
Drucker’s inclusion of real college student anecdotes adds authenticity to the book’s merits, especially in relation to sections where Drucker’s personal experiences are limited (such as LGBTQ+ dating). These sections are as comprehensive, informative, and thoughtful as the chapters that revolve around Drucker’s personal experiences. “One of the biggest misconceptions Katz-Wise sees is his assumption that gender identity and sexual orientation are stable over time for everyone.” Drucker expanding interviewees focus on, so you don’t risk speaking up for the LGBTQ+ community. “I’m literally who I am. There’s very little trust in college girl sexuality,” says Alejandra.
Importantly, Drucker’s book is exactly what she advertises and more. It’s compelling, entertaining, and resolutely educational, while providing readers with an unconditional stream of compassion. Few things are needed more than listening to someone.[Y]You are 100 percent entitled to your intimate desires, unobserved by anyone else. “
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