New Technology World

Sabrina Beck carried a blue binder on her annual visit to Arizona.

It took her 13 years to open it and explore the drawings inside.

But when that quest came, she took a different path. She shares that path with others in the form of a book.

Beck will be hosting a signing of her first book, Dung Bag Road: A Personal Account of Depression and Recovery, on Friday, September 23, from 11:00 am to 1:00 pm at the Metropolis Public Library. Copies of the book are available upon signing, but are also available from Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Thrift Books, and Books A Million.

important moment

Looking through the binder drawings, Beck began to think: who was that person? how did she get there? “

Beck began painting as part of cognitive-behavioral therapy in 2008 when he had a breakdown and was at Centerpoint at Lourdes Hospital.

Originally from Phoenix, Arizona, Beck has lived in Metropolis since the mid-1990s. She spent much of her time as a homemaker, mother, caregiver, and volunteer. When she got her full-time job as a school bus manager in 2008, three weeks after being separated from her husband and her three daughters, she spent her five years before being laid off. For months, “I immersed myself in it”.

“There was a lot of chaos going on. I was busy on the outside and didn’t deal with the inside. I was running away,” Beck said.

But that night, in a pink slip, there was too much knowledge that her two teenage daughters wanted nothing to do with her. I thought I had lost them.I told my husband to take the youngest child.(2) The older ones can go to their dad.I will go home after the divorce. I couldn’t and I was forced to stay here.The only reason I was here was for them.That was my mindset,” Beck said.

But my husband said no. “Rob didn’t forgive me. He didn’t give up on me. He could have said, ‘Okay, I’ll take care of it and it’s over,’ but he didn’t.” rice field. And that made the difference.

“I can still step into that night. It was a pivotal moment that could have gone either way. He’s my Superman,” Beck said.

Instead, the couple made a plan: Get Beck to go to counseling and find out why she felt so defeated and why she was “obsessed with thoughts.” ) and was almost repeating, “I want my kids back.” I want my children back,” she said.

When Beck went through Centerpoint’s group and individual therapy process, she discovered: As far as getting the kids back, the way we got to that point was that I raised my children and my wife on a facade of unhealed trauma. And it finally caught up with me.

Organizing it was a drawing in a blue binder. On that day in 2021 when she started working on them, she discovered a story along the way. I decided to write stories as a form of therapy. What began as an introspective writing process began to shape the patterns of my growth, teenage years, and adulthood, to the point where they collapsed. “

The more Beck writes that he “saw a pattern,” the more “I thought I had to finish this, feed it, process it. The pages of the book made since then began to fill up with the first, the middle and the last.

Beck emphasizes that the person who made those paintings was “who I was.” It’s not happening anymore. I’ve distanced myself enough from the past to be in a place where I’m living in the present with a healthier mindset.

When her writing became “total dump and total exposure,” she “began to think. If I did this, what would be the goal? The goal is to experience something.” It is to encourage others who might read it, who may have or know someone, to find some modality that works for them. Find what works for you, because living on the less depressed side is much better.”

Beck began writing “Dung Bag Road” on June 30, 2021. From the first word it took him 13 months to publish on August 1, 2022.

She had three beta readers read it first. She received positive feedback, so she continued with the project. ’” And she was shocked when her first manuscript was accepted. But she went to another publisher who printed the book on demand.

When the proof came while she was in town, her eldest daughter was the first in the family to read it.

“She picked it up and spent the day, that night, and the next day reading it. It brought her to tears — she cried, she laughed, she discovered a lot about her mother.” “What I got from her,” said Beck, “if it wasn’t a word or tears, it was the big old hug. I think it was a hug of understanding. A child is actually a parent.” I can’t understand what my parent has gone through until I’ve become and experienced things, and I think that in doing so, she extends my grace, which is in my relationship with my mother and in extending her grace. Forgiveness is mutual: if she can forgive me for being overprotective and overly cautious, I can forgive my mother for not.”

Beck’s family reading books read in small doses. Prior to her publication, she spoke with her mother about her two sections.

“The publisher said there were some things I had to tell my mother before she read it in print. At the publisher’s encouragement, I had two very important discussions with her. “The way she reacted was what I needed maybe 30 or 40 years ago and I finally understood,” Beck said.

In the process of therapy and writing the book, Beck made a lot of self-discoveries.

“The first is that even when problems are solved and dealt with, they remain part of you,” she said. “But you can enjoy the present.” So, I have more tools in my life’s toolbox to manage and move them.”

One of those tools is “learning it’s okay to ask for help. I will fall into the mode of “I’ll do it.” “

During her depression, Beck said, “(I felt) the weight of the world in my heart, in the pit of my stomach, I was covering myself. Depression is physically heavy.” It hits you physically.The same goes for anxiety.I’m having a hard time breathing — are you breathing in, are you breathing out, are you breathing in everything and can’t breathe out? ?”

On the outside, he “felt like he was living life with a smile on his face,” but inside he was “going home and hiding.”

“I’m so used to being depressed that after a few months of treatment it’s hard to recognize when I’m having an okay day, which is the ‘I’m not sad’ transition point.” . You have to retrain and rewire your brain. That was the moment I discovered I wasn’t sad anymore, and I had to tell myself that,” Beck said.

Her CBT and her writings gave Beck “several other technical discoveries.”

“I was blaming others because I was hiding in the shadow of my past trauma,” she said.

“I realized that in my relationship with my husband, I was asking him for something I didn’t want to give him: an emotional connection. I desperately wanted an emotional connection with him.” I didn’t get it and there was a problem I wanted to leave I broke down he stood by me and after counseling I realized that I was hiding I realized that I was not willing to give that kind of emotional connection because of what I was trying to do. It was a big discovery, I feel.

The Bexes have been married for 23 years.

“I also discovered that I’m not running away anymore. I want to move forward with all my might,” he said.

When it came time for Beck to create the book’s main title, she looked at it again introspectively.

“I started wondering who that girl was, she’s been through a lot. It’s been a long road. It’s been a lot of (expletive) experience. I had an abusive experience,” she said.

However, she found that she could not use the word. I’ve heard of feces—poop bags. So the road is what I travel, the bag is what I carry, and the poop is what’s inside. “

And the title became “Zumbag Road”.

“When I submitted my manuscript, the publisher asked if I could be flexible with the title. The editor thought it was appropriate for what was there,” she said.

Beck pointed out that the book’s contract limits it to 50,000 words.[The book]tells stories that inspired me, but[but]it doesn’t tell about the good things that happened – and a lot of good things happened,” she said.

It’s a different book angle, but she’s thinking of writing it with her middle daughter.

Three years after Beck’s injury, her ex-husband, father of two eldest daughters, died.

“It was pretty devastating,” she said. “Everyone handles things differently” — her eldest son “handles it” and graduated from college. But while her middle daughter was graduating from high school, she was “off the radar.” …we had some tough times when we thought we would get the call that she had passed away, but here we are — she is married and has twin girls I never gave up on her.It was very difficult.It’s a bright spot where we are now.”

While helping his daughters get over their father’s death, Beck said: How do you mourn her ex-husband who was next to someone who was really great to you and who was really terrible to you? Instead of being sad, I was pulling my hair out. So I brought myself back to her Centerpoint and worked it out. …… I was surprised to see you walking with a smile! “

Looking back on those days, “I feel like there’s a narrative geared towards parent-child relationships and experiences in narratives from both then and now perspectives,” Beck said.

Create a learning experience

Beck said he wants “Dan Bag Road” to be a “learning experience for everyone. I didn’t write it to be complimented. I wrote it to influence people and help them understand depression a little bit more.” I wrote as

The book retails for $22, but after discussion, the Bexes decided to set it at $15 because “the important thing is to make sure people have access to the book,” she said. I was. “Some people go out with heavy loads on their backs. Please don’t wait 43 years.”

Beck says that while CBT has helped her “walk so lightly now,” she wonders, “What if?”

“I envy people who don’t have that. I’ve seen people achieve so much in my life. What would my potential have been if it hadn’t weighed me down?” said, “I think my achievements are living up. Surviving and maintaining better relationships. I don’t try to do my best at everything, but I try a lot of things. I have a very good life experience.” We have a lot.”

.